the feeling's back. that feeling that there's something wrong with me, this time it's this feeling that i've been lobotomised or something. ive had headaches and forgetting stuff, trouble focusing. not only that but the constant minor anxiety, twitches here and there and shortness of breath is back. i've managed to get a job i think, at domino's as a delivery driver, just got to get the insurance sorted. i'm on the edge of escaping my NEET status and i don't know how to feel about it. on one hand, cool, i get money and i dont have to borrow petrol money from others.
on the other hand, now i've got to hold down a job and i have less free time. still gonna keep my head down and thug it out, as much as i enjoy being a neet, the idea of being a burden to others is not an aspect i enjoy. 2 years of doing nothing but netrunning, jerking off and playing video games was cool but i need to move out of my parents house, im 25 after all... istg if i'm still living with my mum when i turn 30 i'll kill myself. 5 years to fix my situation.
continuing this after a few days of having it as a draft, no idea how long it's been. currently running on 3 hours of sleep and 2 cans of monster, that whole feeling of something being wrong with me kinda came and went over the past few days. i've been reflecting on my past quite a bit, how i hardly ever interacted with people unless necessary, how people constantly asked me to speak up, how i spent most of my time by myself and hardly had any friends... it's always been difficult for me to really connect with people, kinda the whole reason i suspect i have autism.
i've been trying to fix my social situation. all i really do all day is wake up, sit behind a screen all day watching youtube or playing video games and barely speaking to any of my family unless abolutely necessary. the idea of meeting up with the one friend i live near fills me with dread for no reason. i did it once and had to really force myself to do so and felt like the whole time was really awkward and ended with a sort of cringe inducing handshake for whatever reason. i tried taking baby steps, joining vc channels in discord servers on occasion but i'd always end up awkwardly listening to everyone else talk, feeling like i dont belong there. it's been a while since i joined a vc, typing this out now i think i might give it another go.